On The Fence

I’ve read over your message more times than I should.

You took the time to write me back which I didn’t think you would.

I tried to make it easy, I tried to go away,

But every time I try to leave, you try to make me stay.

You don’t ever beg me or say very much at all,

But the things you do say always make me fall.

Your words were blunt and shaky, but they made me so proud,

I’m still trying to lose your face somewhere in the crowd.

I always knew it’d happen since our meeting on day one,

Why don’t we ever mean it when we say things like, “I’m done”?

You said you’re doing well now and growing up so fast,

You said you’re learning from your mistakes and are putting things in the past.

But you never said you missed me and you never said you’d call,

You never said you’d text me or leave a comment on my wall.

There was no, “I’m sorry. I take back what I said”,

You just left me to wonder and guess what’s in your head.

You took advantage of me, you made me hurt and cry,

Everything you’ve ever said I’ve chalked up to a lie.

You took away my self esteem and never gave it back,

You chipped away my lonely heart with every tiny crack.

I just wanted you to love me, but you never would.

So I wanted you to say goodbye, but you never could.

One time you said you loved me, I’ll never forget that day,

But then you went and took it back, said there was no possible way.

I don’t know what you’re thinking and I don’t know what you mean,

You never make me laugh half as much as you make me scream.

You said that you were happy you could finally move on,

Does that mean you’re happy I might actually be gone?

I was fine and I had peace and I thought you did too,

But if that were the case I would have never heard from you.

You threw in some harsh words so you didn’t sound too sweet,

 And you just had to say “Have Faith In Me” was playing on repeat.

My mind is so conflicted, my heart is torn in two,

I can’t help but think it doesn’t really matter what I do.

You pick the stupidest of fights where you tell me to leave you alone,

But then after some time has passed you come running back home.

I don’t know where to go now, the cross roads all are closed,

You’ve given me my highest highs and my lowest lows.

You think that you know me, but I think you forgot,

In our mangled romance we’ve lost and gained a lot.

So I need you to tell me, for once and for all,

Do I stay or do I go? You need to make the call.

I can’t play this game forever, you need to pick a side,

My emotions don’t ebb and flow with your ever changing tide.

I know you think I’ll leave you, I know you think I’ll bail,

But I’ve put too much into this to have it die or fail.

You say you’re growing up now? Well, it’s time to show it,

If you want me to stick around you need to let me know it.

I’m not like the others, I know you know that’s true,

I will always be there, I’m never leaving you.
So make a damn decision! I’m tired of the waiting!

In the end it’s between two; you’re either loving or hating.

-BlairieLouHoo

Written November 18, 2012

When My Poppa Speaks

When my Poppa speak, I hear the words I was afraid to hear.
I hear my fear and uncertainty,
But it comes out strong and ready, like a bear.
When my Poppa speaks, I hear him even though he doesn’t think I do
And I wonder if he hears me, too.
When my Poppa speaks, I imagine things I never could before.
I see the world as open and new
And bright and magical and full of possibilities.
When my Poppa speaks, I know he means every word.
He thinks them through with eloquence and grace
And they come out exactly as he intended.
When my Poppa speaks, his eyes tell stories
Of places and times and things I’ve only dreamt of,
But hope to experience someday.
When my Poppa speaks, he carries more weight then he realizes.
He is the world’s breath flowing through one man.
When my Poppa speaks, reality sets in.
Things I have been neglecting come to the forefront of my mind
And I become a better person after ever conversation.

When my Poppa speaks, it’s a rare occasion.
When my Poppa speaks, he doesn’t have to say a word.

-BlairieLouHoo.

Written June, 2012.

Lost Feelings

If I could explain how I feel, the flowers all would cry,

And they would think about me till they shrivel up and die.

If I could explain how I feel, the moon itself would weep,

But nobody would ever know, for my secret she’d keep.

If I could explain how I feel, the sun would help me through.

He’d shine his light upon my skin and tell me what to do.

If I could explain how I feel, the grass would let me walk.

It’d listen for hours just to hear me talk.

If I could explain how I feel, the trees would be amazed.

They’d wonder about this boy who has me so dazed.

They’d ask about his smile and they’d ask about his eyes,

They’d ask me about his truths and about his lies.

If I could explain how I feel, the wind would kiss my face.

She’d wrap herself around me in her cool embrace.

If I could explain how I feel, the ocean would scream and yell.

He’d be protective of me and tell me not to dwell. 

If I could explain how I feel, the stars would understand.

They’d know I wasn’t like this with any other man.

If I could tell you how I feel, it wouldn’t mean forever,

But if I could just show you, you would never leave it...never.

-BlairieLouHoo

Written October, 2011.

Me & You.

I see that you’re unhappy

In your perfect, icy eyes.

But, really, what you say to me

Comes as no surprise.

I’ve seen people like you

Too many times before.

Perfectly strong people

Who just can’t find the door.

I’m really pulling for you.

I hope you can get out,

But to be completely honest,

I still have shreds of doubt.

I’ve only just met you,

But I see it on your face.

You’d gladly be anywhere

Other than this place.

If I could make that happen,

I’d do it right away.

And we would walk, hand in hand.

You’d come with me to stay.

I would never break you

Like she’s clearly done,

And I would never make you

Want to leave or run.

All girls are not evil.

All girls are not snide.

So let me break the barrier.

And let me come inside.

I don’t mean to scare you,

I’m already scared enough,

But, with you, it’s different.

I’m done trying to be tough.

I know that it’s early

And I know that it’s new,

But maybe, just maybe,

We’ll end up a “me and you”.

-BlairieLouHoo.

Written November, 2011.

To Sunny.

She sits alone in a snowy parking lot. No one there to comfort her. No one by her side when she needs them the most. Her body is cracked and broken. Stripped of color and lively hood. She feels lost in a sea of scrap metal and unwanted souls. She knows not what her future holds. It’s uncertain if she’ll make it out alive. She sits and waits. No shelter from the elements. No cover from the wind. She sits and waits to be judged and saved, if they chose to save her. She sits and waits. She suffers for mistakes that others made and takes the brunt of the injury. She is a warrior, she is my hero, and regardless of the outcome, she will always be a part of me and I will always love her. <3

-BlairieLouHoo.

Written January, 2011.

The Last Thing I'll Ever Write About You.

My sincere apology falls on deaf ears of a closed mind

for an injustice I did not commit.

My words mean nothing to you

while yours mean far too much to me.

Our lives were never meant to meet

but since they have, I’ll forever wonder about yours

even though you’ll flee from mine with no remorse.

So, I guess this is goodbye.

And when I see you,

my thoughts won’t be the same

and yours won’t exist.

I’m foolish for having expected anything more.

I should have known this to end just as it started;

Irrationally.

Abruptly.

Without all reason,

Exactly as it started,

And exactly how you wanted.

-BlairieLouHoo.

Gdby.

My bags have all been packed now,

My stomach tied in knots,

I never thought I’d have so many

Sad, yet happy, thoughts.

My ride is waiting outside,

There’s nothing left to do,

I only wish I could have gotten

To say goodbye to you.

But you ignored all my texts

And ignored my calls.

You ignored my letter,

That I scratched into the walls.

I don’t want to leave this way,

But I don’t have a choice.

It’s hard to make an impact,

With such a tiny voice.

I’m walking out to door now,

To start my new life there,

And the only thing stuck in my mind is,

Why doesn’t he care?

We have been through far too much

To let it end this way,

But you didn’t end try

Or ask for me to stay.

You don’t know where I’m going,

Nor do you know why,

You couldn’t even bring yourself

To just tell me “goodbye”.

They’re all waiting for me.

I really have to go,

But I’m going to miss you.

That’s all you need to know.

-BlairieLouHoo.

Better.

Today, I found your hair strand

In my blanket seam,

And right away what came to mind was

I need a cloning machine.

I’ll take your brown and curly hair,

Drop it down the tube,

Watch it spiral round and round,

And land inside the cube.

The cube would then shake and light up

Signaling it’s time,

Then I’ll have a pea sized blob

Coated in blue slime.

I’ll place the life form in a box

To keep it safe and warm,

I’ll guard this small shape with my life

And wait while it transforms.

Month and months and months will pass

As I sit and stare,

And finally the time will come

To let the thing have air.

It would be just like you

In every possible way,

But the good thing about this girl

Is she’d be here to stay.

She’d have the same square glasses

Same laugh and smile,

She’d be hilarious and comforting

And have the same fun style.

She’d know all our inside jokes

And keep them locked up tight,

She’d have your Southern accent

And energy so bright.

She’d know how to make me laugh

And hold me when I cry,

But best of all, with this girl

I’d never say goodbye.

She would be my best friend,

I’d tell her everything.

She’d know my secrets and fears

And dance with me while we sing.

Sure, it’d be nice to clone you

From your hair in my blanket seam,

But truthfully, you’re better.

You’re more than just some dream.

And even though when I see you

It must come to an end,

There is always the next time

Where we do it all over again.

I wouldn’t trade that for the world,

That’s really how I feel.

For the thing you have, she never will.

You, my friend, are real.

Dedicated to my best friend and cousin, Jessica Marie Petersen.

-BlairieLouHoo.