Not Him

He’s not the type I can bring home for dinner.

He wouldn’t want to come anyway.

He never tells me I’m pretty, but he makes me feel like I am.

I don’t think he’s ever seen my hair done

And make up has usually settled into the deep, sleep deprived circles under my eyes

By the time he sees me.

He’s never mentioned it ones.

It’s been years since he’s seen me in real clothes

And even longer since he’s seen me in daylight,

Unless you count a hazy, 5am glow as daylight.

He doesn’t like to cuddle, but he’ll hug me tightly

And he’ll hold my hand, but not in public.

Never in public.

Which doesn’t matter since we’re never in public together.

He’s never given me any kind of gift or written me anything.

Meanwhile, I’ve written him countless letters and made him multiple gifts.

I rarely get so much as a “thank you”.

I have to pry and push for compliments and real words.

I’m convinced that if he had it his way, we would never speak.

I like when he talks, though. About anything.

Sometimes, if I’m really quiet, he’ll just talk and talk about real things

And I’ll just sit and listen intently until he realizes what’s happening

And pulls back.

He always pulls back.

Most of the time he pretends I don’t exist.

He’s moodier than most girls I know.

You never know how you’re going to catch him,

But I continuously try.

Why do I try?

He’s nothing I want.

He’s nothing I like.

I don’t know him anymore.

He never knew me.

But I try,

I continuously try,

And I’m done trying.

On The Fence

I’ve read over your message more times than I should.

You took the time to write me back which I didn’t think you would.

I tried to make it easy, I tried to go away,

But every time I try to leave, you try to make me stay.

You don’t ever beg me or say very much at all,

But the things you do say always make me fall.

Your words were blunt and shaky, but they made me so proud,

I’m still trying to lose your face somewhere in the crowd.

I always knew it’d happen since our meeting on day one,

Why don’t we ever mean it when we say things like, “I’m done”?

You said you’re doing well now and growing up so fast,

You said you’re learning from your mistakes and are putting things in the past.

But you never said you missed me and you never said you’d call,

You never said you’d text me or leave a comment on my wall.

There was no, “I’m sorry. I take back what I said”,

You just left me to wonder and guess what’s in your head.

You took advantage of me, you made me hurt and cry,

Everything you’ve ever said I’ve chalked up to a lie.

You took away my self esteem and never gave it back,

You chipped away my lonely heart with every tiny crack.

I just wanted you to love me, but you never would.

So I wanted you to say goodbye, but you never could.

One time you said you loved me, I’ll never forget that day,

But then you went and took it back, said there was no possible way.

I don’t know what you’re thinking and I don’t know what you mean,

You never make me laugh half as much as you make me scream.

You said that you were happy you could finally move on,

Does that mean you’re happy I might actually be gone?

I was fine and I had peace and I thought you did too,

But if that were the case I would have never heard from you.

You threw in some harsh words so you didn’t sound too sweet,

 And you just had to say “Have Faith In Me” was playing on repeat.

My mind is so conflicted, my heart is torn in two,

I can’t help but think it doesn’t really matter what I do.

You pick the stupidest of fights where you tell me to leave you alone,

But then after some time has passed you come running back home.

I don’t know where to go now, the cross roads all are closed,

You’ve given me my highest highs and my lowest lows.

You think that you know me, but I think you forgot,

In our mangled romance we’ve lost and gained a lot.

So I need you to tell me, for once and for all,

Do I stay or do I go? You need to make the call.

I can’t play this game forever, you need to pick a side,

My emotions don’t ebb and flow with your ever changing tide.

I know you think I’ll leave you, I know you think I’ll bail,

But I’ve put too much into this to have it die or fail.

You say you’re growing up now? Well, it’s time to show it,

If you want me to stick around you need to let me know it.

I’m not like the others, I know you know that’s true,

I will always be there, I’m never leaving you.
So make a damn decision! I’m tired of the waiting!

In the end it’s between two; you’re either loving or hating.

-BlairieLouHoo

Written November 18, 2012

When My Poppa Speaks

When my Poppa speak, I hear the words I was afraid to hear.
I hear my fear and uncertainty,
But it comes out strong and ready, like a bear.
When my Poppa speaks, I hear him even though he doesn’t think I do
And I wonder if he hears me, too.
When my Poppa speaks, I imagine things I never could before.
I see the world as open and new
And bright and magical and full of possibilities.
When my Poppa speaks, I know he means every word.
He thinks them through with eloquence and grace
And they come out exactly as he intended.
When my Poppa speaks, his eyes tell stories
Of places and times and things I’ve only dreamt of,
But hope to experience someday.
When my Poppa speaks, he carries more weight then he realizes.
He is the world’s breath flowing through one man.
When my Poppa speaks, reality sets in.
Things I have been neglecting come to the forefront of my mind
And I become a better person after ever conversation.

When my Poppa speaks, it’s a rare occasion.
When my Poppa speaks, he doesn’t have to say a word.

-BlairieLouHoo.

Written June, 2012.

Lost Feelings

If I could explain how I feel, the flowers all would cry,

And they would think about me till they shrivel up and die.

If I could explain how I feel, the moon itself would weep,

But nobody would ever know, for my secret she’d keep.

If I could explain how I feel, the sun would help me through.

He’d shine his light upon my skin and tell me what to do.

If I could explain how I feel, the grass would let me walk.

It’d listen for hours just to hear me talk.

If I could explain how I feel, the trees would be amazed.

They’d wonder about this boy who has me so dazed.

They’d ask about his smile and they’d ask about his eyes,

They’d ask me about his truths and about his lies.

If I could explain how I feel, the wind would kiss my face.

She’d wrap herself around me in her cool embrace.

If I could explain how I feel, the ocean would scream and yell.

He’d be protective of me and tell me not to dwell. 

If I could explain how I feel, the stars would understand.

They’d know I wasn’t like this with any other man.

If I could tell you how I feel, it wouldn’t mean forever,

But if I could just show you, you would never leave it...never.

-BlairieLouHoo

Written October, 2011.

Me & You.

I see that you’re unhappy

In your perfect, icy eyes.

But, really, what you say to me

Comes as no surprise.

I’ve seen people like you

Too many times before.

Perfectly strong people

Who just can’t find the door.

I’m really pulling for you.

I hope you can get out,

But to be completely honest,

I still have shreds of doubt.

I’ve only just met you,

But I see it on your face.

You’d gladly be anywhere

Other than this place.

If I could make that happen,

I’d do it right away.

And we would walk, hand in hand.

You’d come with me to stay.

I would never break you

Like she’s clearly done,

And I would never make you

Want to leave or run.

All girls are not evil.

All girls are not snide.

So let me break the barrier.

And let me come inside.

I don’t mean to scare you,

I’m already scared enough,

But, with you, it’s different.

I’m done trying to be tough.

I know that it’s early

And I know that it’s new,

But maybe, just maybe,

We’ll end up a “me and you”.

-BlairieLouHoo.

Written November, 2011.

To Sunny.

She sits alone in a snowy parking lot. No one there to comfort her. No one by her side when she needs them the most. Her body is cracked and broken. Stripped of color and lively hood. She feels lost in a sea of scrap metal and unwanted souls. She knows not what her future holds. It’s uncertain if she’ll make it out alive. She sits and waits. No shelter from the elements. No cover from the wind. She sits and waits to be judged and saved, if they chose to save her. She sits and waits. She suffers for mistakes that others made and takes the brunt of the injury. She is a warrior, she is my hero, and regardless of the outcome, she will always be a part of me and I will always love her. <3

-BlairieLouHoo.

Written January, 2011.

The Last Thing I'll Ever Write About You.

My sincere apology falls on deaf ears of a closed mind

for an injustice I did not commit.

My words mean nothing to you

while yours mean far too much to me.

Our lives were never meant to meet

but since they have, I’ll forever wonder about yours

even though you’ll flee from mine with no remorse.

So, I guess this is goodbye.

And when I see you,

my thoughts won’t be the same

and yours won’t exist.

I’m foolish for having expected anything more.

I should have known this to end just as it started;

Irrationally.

Abruptly.

Without all reason,

Exactly as it started,

And exactly how you wanted.

-BlairieLouHoo.